No, YOU Shut Up, Paul Turner!


I just went in to fill my coffee. The fourth cup this morning, thank you very much. I sit down at the kitchen table, and I open the Spokesman-Review’s regional section. Paul Turner’s column is on the front page along the left margin. Now, I don’t read “The Slice,” Turner’s column, on the reg, but having just moved back to Spokaloo, I remembered reading it with fondness during lunch breaks and what not. It was always light and entertaining. I thought, “Ah, I’ll take a couple of minutes while I sip a bit of this nice, warm, soothing blanket of comfort out of my mug and see what ol’ Turner’s got to say.”

To my horror, his column this morning was a tirade against coffee drinkers (he maliciously calls us “addicts” – a pejorative term that implies his true negative bias) who allegedly so offend his ears constantly with cries of “Not before I’ve had my coffee!” and the like that he felt the need to berate them/us for his entire first-page spread.

I dunno, I haven’t worked in an office for a while – I’m a teacher. But I used to work in lots of offices, and I don’t specifically remember a whole lot of people who actually verbalized their warnings about such nonsense. Sure, they would have the admittedly blah and potentially annoying cliches on their mugs, personal items on their desks, maybe even on a shirt or a hat or a screensaver or some other mundane place for mundane people to put their mundane cliched nonsense.

I suspect, being a writer, you’re really just upset about the drab cliches, Mr. Turner. It’s simply got to be misplaced aggression, because surely nobody could be mad at coffee.

Unless there really is some dolt in the offices at SR that goes around verbally announcing the cliches on their mugs, shirts, computer screens, mouse pads, underwear, license plate holders, etc. In that case, that person probably also listens to pop-country music, watches bad reality TV – like the kind on TLC bad, and was upset that Rosanne was fired for letting her inner drug-fueled racist out.

See… there are plenty of other reasons to be mad at those morons. Leave the coffee out of it, Paul. Just leave… the coffee… alone…


Sorry, time for another cup. Have a great day, Paul – and everyone else. 🙂


One thought on “No, YOU Shut Up, Paul Turner!

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