Fearless Friday: Nope. Horoscope Saturday.

I’m Not Calling This Slacker Saturday, and Here’s Why:

I worked my ass off yesterday. Literally. For real. I woke at 5:30 am, donned a janitorial uniform, went and walked over five miles in the course of cleaning buildings for an industrial plant until around 2:00 pm. Then, I came home and did some work on behind-the-scenes stuff here at Brandonia.

At around 6:30, I went to the gym, ran two miles, walked another half mile at a pace of 3.5 mph, and did a weightlifting circuit consisting of three sets of the following: goblet squats (10 reps at 30 pounds), one-arm dumbbell rows (15 reps at 30 pounds), and bench press (30 reps at 80 pounds plus one extra 10-rep set at the end) Finally, I decided to finish things off with a 30-pound, three-lap farmer’s walk around the gym, then 100 leg raises.

When I got home, it was around 9:00. I made a conscious decision to put off this post and watch TV because I was tired. Even I have limits.

So What Are We Going To Talk About Today, Then?

I say we keep it light, today. I’ve had this idea floating around my head now for a while, but I’ve never quite been able to commune properly with the stars and planets. Recently, however, I stumbled upon an open connection! I was given special sight by Venus herself, the hazy glow of the fiery hot planet/goddess nearly blinding me. She came to me in a dream and said that on this day, at this time, she would be passing through Taurus, and that I would have the gift of foresight and revelation.

I asked her if I would always have this gift, and she said that I had not been blessed that way – I’m too much of a pain in the ass for the gods to trust me all the time. Instead, I will receive information every so often through my own zodiac sign, Taurus, and our lady of wisdom and passion Venus.

Yep. Today it’s Horoscopes!

This is the sum total of what the stars have revealed to me today about your future for the next week. Have fun trying to decipher this, because I gotta say, not a lot of it made a whole lot of sense (to me, anyway).

  • Aries (March 21 – April 20) – You may feel like everything’s falling apart this week. That’s because it is, scientifically speaking, of course. Watch out for cats on bicycles carrying machine guns. They may look innocent, but they mean you malice. All cats mean you menace, but especially these ones. Avoid using the letter M this week.
  • Taurus (April 21 – May 20) – This week, the world is your oyster, Taurean. You are the master of your own world and have been given the keys to your destiny. Be careful, though. They may just be janitor’s keys. You’ll have to hunt through them to find anything of value. Watch out for a woman in a fur hat holding a snake – she’s not necessarily trouble, but she’ll talk to you for hours and waste your whole day.
  • Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – If today is your birthday, and you live at altitude, beware of pterodactyls. If you live closer to sea level, watch out for samsquanch, chupacabra, or squirrels, as each of these creatures has the uncanny ability to detect birthdays. You don’t want to find out what happens if they sniff you out. All other Gemini should have a pretty good week – except for the hepatitis.
  • Cancer (June 21 – July 20) – You will find nearly unbearable happiness this week in the simplest of things – the laughter of a child, kisses from a puppy or the purring of a kitten, watching the sunset below a pile of hazardous waste, mixing the beautiful purples, oranges, and reds of the sunset with the green noxious fumes. You behold an entire rainbow of natural and human phenomena blended together, and you will realize with total consciousness that this is at the center of all things.
  • Leo (July 21 – August 20) – You will stub your toe this week. Be careful how you react. Powerful beings are watching you and you will need to avoid incurring their wrath. That is all I’m allowed to say.
  • Virgo (August 21 – September 20) – Be prepared for many new opportunities to grow this week. A friend will need your help and you will fail them – that is an opportunity. You will lose your temper – that is an opportunity. You will have a chance to eat an entire cheesecake in one setting – that is an opportunity. Don’t take any of them. Just keep being the same old you.
  • Libra (September 21 – October 20) – Things will seem to go really well this week until Thursday. On Thursday at 4:17am you’re going to get a phone call. Don’t answer it. It will only be bad news. Like all bad news, it should be ignored until it goes away. Go about your day on Thursday, and see what happens. Think of it as an adventure.
  • Scorpio (October 21 – November 20) – Your week will be just fine. A few good things will happen, a few bad things will happen, and overall, it’ll tend to balance out by next Saturday. You won’t remember that until next Saturday, however. Until then, you’ll spend the entire week agonizing over everything that happens and wondering what you can do to control the Universe.
  • Sagittarius (November 21 – December 20) – Duck! Now!
  • Capricorn (December 21 – January 20) – Your future for this week is cloudy. Most of you will come into great fortune – a windfall of money, the re-kindling of a long lost relationship, or a new idea that will change your life. At least a couple of you will develop life threatening infections after being bitten by spiders, though. Sorry.
  • Aquarius (January 21 – February 20) – Dark forces are lining up to come to your aid. Soon your evil purposes will be accomplished and the world of men will fall. You’ll experience all of the power and glory you’ve ever desired. Or it could be gas. In either case, why don’t you do us all a favor and just call in sick this week.
  • Pieces (February 21 – March 20) – Your loved ones will gather around you all week. You will attract them. They will come from far and wide, and they will all compete for your attention and affection. Soon it will come to blows, and you’ll be helpless to stop it. Let them fight it out. Whomever comes out on top is your truest friend. Or the best one to have with you in a fight. Either way, this is the right course of action.

Thanks for Indulging Me!

That was a lot of fun to write. I hope you guys have a great weekend, and an even better week next week. Please be sure to support Brandonia by sharing these posts with your friends on social media (just copy and paste the link), or by donating, or by just telling everyone you know about it. Thanks! Sign up for all of my pages here.

2 thoughts on “Fearless Friday: Nope. Horoscope Saturday.

  1. Pingback: Mantra Monday: A Saga – Part the First. | Brandonia

  2. Pingback: Tuesday Tune-Up: A Saga – Part the Second. | Brandonia

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